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Six Surprising Observations about Men, Women & Relationships

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 07-21-2016

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observationsAs some of you know, I’ve been a certified, practicing hypnotherapist for about ten years now. In that span of time—after talking to hundreds of clients about issues in their personal relationships—I feel a bit more qualified than most to share some general observations about human behavior in this area. Many of these common threads among my clients have surprised me, and maybe you, too. Or not. Anyway, here they are:

1. DIVORCE – Among couples who have divorced, a great number of men expressed regret. Quite a few times, I’ve heard things like, “My next marriage was so much worse than my first one!” “I should have worked harder on that first marriage,” or “The grass is definitely not always greener.”

By contrast, a lot of divorced women have said they wished they had gotten divorced much sooner than they did, and from them I hear things such as, “I can’t believe I waited so long for the freedom and fun I am having now!” and “We should have broken up a long time ago.”

As far as the children of divorced couples, nobody is happy about their parents getting divorced. However, I hear far more adults express shock and perplexity about why their parents “who clearly hate each other” are still together, than tell me they wish their parents hadn’t gotten a divorce. This last comment is actually quite rare.

observations22. CHEATING – From what my clients have confided, it appears that women cheat just as much as men, but are better at covering their tracks. The men almost always get caught, whereas the women seem to get away with it more often.

I can’t say why, but the ugliest cheating stories I’ve ever heard have come from exceptionally attractive women. Many former models have told me awful stories of men cheating “all over town” with their friends, sisters, and even prostitutes. At the same time, many plain-looking women tell me they are in happy relationships with devoted partners.

Even though we have been programmed to think that women who look better, keep their weight down, and get “enhancement” surgeries have happier lives, this is apparently not the case. Perhaps what women can take from this is that instead of worrying so much about those few extra pounds, focus more on choosing a better match.

3. MONEY – It is much more common – about four times as often, actually – that people tell me they’re staying in an unhappy relationship for money, as opposed to staying for the sake of the children. I hear both of these reasons fairly often, though.

4. BLAMING – Sadly, men come in complaining about having the same exact relationship issues with the last five women they’ve been with, and yet they still place the blame on the ex-partner: “There just aren’t any women out there who don’t have this problem!” They fail to realize that the one common factor in all those failed relationships is—them. By contrast, a woman is more likely to come in after several relationship failures and say, “It’s all my problem! Can you help fix me so I don’t choose this same kind of guy again?” This attitude shows more self-responsibility, but it’s likely that both men and women who repeatedly have unsuccessful relationships need to do some family-of-origin (issues with mom and dad) healing work.

5. ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL PRACTICES – I had always thought people with alternative sexual lifestyles – like swingers, polyamorists, or sex club participants – must have a lot of intense relationship problems that cause this behavior or result from it.  Some do, I am sure, but after working with many of these people over the years, they seem to have the same frequency of relationship problems as everyone else, and actually tend to be more comfortable talking about the conflicts. In fact, from what I’ve observed, besides their sex lives, they are basically pretty ordinary people with normal occupations and the same issues as everyone else, just brought up in a sometimes different context.

With the exception of military personnel, I almost never hear a man admit to hiring a prostitute. When I have, it’s usually been described as an interaction similar to buying a hamburger at Wendy’s—a business exchange only. Also, the women with the men who’d hired prostitutes expressed more upset about this than the women whose partners had had an affair with a coworker. I found this odd, because to me, the coworker affair seems like a worse violation.

observations36. WHAT WE WANT – Men universally express a desire for more sex in their relationships. In spite of the legions of women (not that I am complaining about the business!) who want me to help them lose weight so that their husbands will find them more attractive, I almost never hear a guy say he wishes his partner would slim down.

Women tell me over and over again that they want their men to put more effort into planning the time they spend together. A woman wants her date to say, “I’m picking you up at 7 – wear something dressy,” rather than, “Where do you want to go tonight?”

Okay…hopefully, now you’re ready and armed with some new information to tackle the relationship game. Because let’s face it, any advantage in this area is more than welcome!

 

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com

The Heartbreakingly Easy Problem to Solve

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 07-07-2016

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easy_problem_to_solveOne of the most difficult parts of being a practitioner is seeing a client fail. When I say “fail,” I’m not talking about the client not reaching their goal, as in losing the amount of weight they wanted to lose, or achieve the result they wanted. I don’t consider these situations as failures, but rather as part of learning and sometimes adjusting the approach used.

Failure to me is when a client cannot or will not see the value of investing the time, expense, and work it takes to create lasting healing for themselves. They apparently don’t understand that they are worth the effort it takes to heal, whether to change their weight/body size or shed destructive habits and attitudes. Sadly, this happens all the time.

One example was when Trish, a prospective client, contacted me because of a challenging yet totally solvable problem. She was having trouble staying connected in a long-distance relationship, and also suffered extreme separation anxiety. Whenever her boyfriend would leave, an intense sadness would come over her, along with the fear that she would never see him again. This made her very clingy with him when he had to go somewhere, and she would insist they schedule their next date right then and there to allay her anxiety. Basically, Trish said she was a “wreck” whenever her boyfriend went away.

Knowing how difficult this issue can be, and how destructively those feelings can affect anyone’s quality of life, I was happy that Trish contacted me, because I knew I could help her. Her problem is actually one of the easier issues to resolve using the tool of hypnosis, and I knew Trish would feel a lot better even after just one session.

After scheduling an appointment with Trish, my mind was already busy planning out her protocol, anticipating some of the conversation, and feeling happy knowing she would see improvement very quickly. I could see the light at the end of her tunnel of pain, and it wasn’t an idiot holding a match!

Unfortunately, Trish never made it in for help. At her appointment time, she called me complaining that I didn’t “warn her” about San Diego traffic (doesn’t everyone who drives know there may be traffic?), that she would arrive too late at this point, and that all of this was my fault. She then added that she thought I charged too much, my intake forms were too long, and a couple of other silly, untrue “reasons” why she wouldn’t/couldn’t come. In spite of all her angry justification, I knew that probably because of the same issues that caused her trouble in the first place, Trish was backing away from her own healing. I was sure she did this in many areas of her life—blaming others for her problems, complaining about the cost of things, and probably not taking any help or advice offered that could really help her. Maybe she and I weren’t a match for treatment, but our conversation told me that on some level, she wasn’t ready. Trish cancelled her appointment and never called again.

easy_problem_to_solve2It broke my heart, as it always does when this type of thing happens in my practice, that Trish was one more person in the world suffering needlessly and at her own hands. Her pain doubtlessly affected those around her, too…her friends, coworkers, the family watching her suffer, and maybe even a person she cut off on the freeway because her anger towards her boyfriend turned into road rage. Her boyfriend was likely the most affected, and whether or not they were a good match for each other, it was almost a guarantee that their relationship was already, or certainly would be, sorely tested by her issues.

I’ve talked with many practitioners about people flaking out on their own healing, and not surprisingly, it’s a very common drawback in the therapy field. Patients either stop showing up for the appointments they make for themselves, or stop treatment too early when there is still a lot more work to do. Sometimes they say they can’t afford treatment, which is always a ready excuse. My experience over the years, however, is that when people are ready to heal, they find a way to make it happen no matter what, even if that means sacrificing some material comfort for a short time, finding child care, or rearranging their schedule so they can keep their appointments. For those who are not ready, any excuse to cancel is used, and if none is available, the inner saboteur creates one.

Our egos hate change, and will fight like heck to keep the status quo, even if it’s a lousy one. Change – even beneficial change – can be hard because it requires us to grow, shift, and create different habits around the new way of being. Even if something isn’t good, such as being in a bad relationship, there is a certain degree of comfort in it because it’s familiar.

I have to face this with clients all the time and it stings, not so much because of loss of business – although I love what I do and being busy – but because I know that society at large is made better when someone gets healed. The reverse is also unfortunately true.

Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t let money, your or your kids’ schedules, “life,” or whatever obstacle you run across, keep you from the quality of living you deserve. Life goes on whether you are healthy and whole or not, so you may as well get healed! If you consider what you spend your money on, why wouldn’t you pay to get help for the most important person in you and your loved ones’ world—you?

There are few things in this world that can’t be made better through creative solutions. Your physical, emotional, and spiritual health are the most important things to attend to, for your own benefit and that of this world we all share. Remember that no matter how things may “seem” at any given moment, you are loved, special, and extremely important! There is something on this planet that you, and onlyyou, can do. Value yourself enough to heal the wounds that block you from sharing your unique contribution.

 

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com