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The Avoiders—Some Things to Know

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in relationships | Posted on 07-19-2017

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The Avoiders—Some Things to Know

Avoidance and avoidance behavior are terms recognized in psychology, and from my experience with an enormous number of clients, result in anything from minor annoyance to deep resentment. Avoidance seems to show up more often in men than in women, and is probably the number one complaint I hear from women about their husbands. I am quite sure it has ended many marriages.

Avoiders are people who are so afraid of conflict or uncomfortable feelings that they dodge the action or communication necessary to resolve problems. Instead, they find a rock to hide under…anything to escape the person and/or situation, in the extreme and almost delus

36496648 – hide

ional hope that the issue will just sort itself out without them. Occasionally this strategy works, which is why they keep doing it. In most cases, however, an avoider just winds up making everyone mad at them.

In my own experience, I have had avoidant clients who “no-show” to appointments because they didn’t want to have to tell me they needed to reschedule. I don’t mind rescheduling as long as I get 24 hours’ notice. What I know I don’t like is sitting in my office for an hour, waiting for a client who is not coming.

  • Avoiders usually create a lot of conflict, along with major problems for their partners, by not doing those unpleasant tasks like filing taxes, cleaning out the garage, or setting boundaries with exes, coworkers, bosses, kids, and family. The worst part of this coping mechanism is that it’s unnecessary and wasteful. I would say, conservatively, that these people expend about ten times as much energy thinking about and trying to avoid something, as they would just dealing with it.
  • Where does this behavior come from?  The roots of avoidance are somewhat different for everyone, but for men, it commonly begins with a sensitive boy being berated by an overbearing mother. For women, it is frequently tied to emotional or physical abuse from either parent.
  • How do you fix this? I’m not going to lie. Avoidance is a tough issue, at the core of which is fear. Treatment is done using fear protocols, and this can take quite some time. I will say, though, that with patience and a real desire to change, healing is possible. If this sounds like a problem of yours, I strongly encourage you to seek help to prevent it from sabotaging your relationships. If you are a man dealing with a female boss, avoidance can actually destroy your career. Do not underestimate the damaging effects of this condition.

If you don’t think your avoidance behavior is “that serious,” consider your relationships, especially romantic ones, past and present. Have your partners complained about your failure to face challenges or tasks head-on? For a healthy, balanced relationship to survive, avoidance behavior must be acknowledged and worked on.

There is some good news! The work you do to heal will pay off in a much more fulfilling and meaningful life, one in which you are a true adult instead of a runaway child.

If you need help with this issue give me a call today, your spouse will call me after your session and thank me-I know because that actually happens all the time!

Looking forward to helping you create lasting change.

Jill Thomas CCHT

Soul Connect Hypnotherapy

760-803-2841

www.soulconnecthypnotherapy.com 

Love & Marriage Advice from an Expert

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 02-09-2016

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loveadvice_04Our family moved from Arkansas to California when I was young teenager. Soon after we arrived, my parents became close friends with an Indian couple in their 60’s named Virot and Irmala, whose entire family was still in India. Virot and Irmala quickly became like family to me, and I thought of them as my godparents. They were kind and loving, and although they spoke with heavy accents and were more than a little odd, I loved them for it!

When I was 16, and visiting godfather Virot at his Indian goods store one day, he told me that because of my age, it was time to have a serious talk. I knew he wasn’t going to talk to me about sex, and figuring any other topic would be fine, I settled in for a very surprising conversation.

Virot started by explaining that in his large, extended family, it was his role to work on arranging marriages for his relatives. He then looked me in the eye and said, “Jill, it’s time for you to start thinking about marriage.” WHAT?!  I was quick to reply, “Virot, I am 16! That’s not going to happen for a long time, so no matching me up with your family in India. Okay?” Virot replied, “No, of course not now, and not with my family, but you must start thinking about this because the decisions you make now will influence the choices you have in the future.” Alright…he had my attention. What followed was some amazing marriage and life advice from someone, strangely enough, whose own marriage to a complete stranger had been arranged, but from what I had seen, seemed to be a very happy union.

“Jill,” he said pointedly, “the most important thing is that you MUST have your own money. You must not rely on a man to pay your bills. Money is freedom, giving you the choice to stay or to leave if it’s not a good situation. So, you need to think about going to college.” I found it interesting that he pushed me twice as hard as my own parents to go to college.

“I don’t care what your American churches say about marriage,” he went on. “If it takes a lawyer to break it, then it’s a contract and not a covenant. Make sure you know the terms of that contract very well by getting to know the man for a long time before you get married. Know what kind of person he is, what kind of family he comes from, and most of all, how you will be treated in the marriage, before you sign that contract in a church or a courthouse.” 

Virot continued, “If you plan on having children, it is especially important that you marry someone of exceptional character, since he will be half of the legacy you leave through the generations coming from your bloodline.” The blood thing seemed to be enormously significant to him, although I was never sure why. I did get his point, though, about choosing the best possible father for my future children.  

“Find someone with a background much like your own. People fight about their differences, not what they have in common, so it’s essential you find someone of a similar religion, culture, and political opinion. And marry someone as smart as you or even smarter, so he will challenge you to be better.”  

“It is vital,” he ended, “to put yourself first! Don’t marry someone whom society or your parents think would be the best choice.  Marry someone you think will be the greatest match for you forever…not just someone nice-looking or rich. Take your time to find this person, and never, ever settle. If he doesn’t seem like the very best match, stop seeing him and move on.  It’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong person.”

loveadvice_03I was aware that Virot didn’t talk about love. That wasn’t his way, as he was much more practical. He wanted me to marry the very best – not just someone I LOVED, but also someone who was good for me.  

“Oh,” he added. “Do not forget, also, before you agree to marry anyone, bring him over for me to approve. I absolutely insist on that.”

I did follow his advice and took my time, so much so that Virot was gone from this world before he could size up my choice in person. However, I take comfort in the fact that he did meet my husband when we were just friends, before we fell in love, and I’m certain he would have approved.

This Valentine’s Day, my wish for all you men and women is long-term happiness in love. As Virot said, find your best possible match! Lust is great, and love is even better, but neither guarantees a lasting partnership. Take your time, don’t forget your personal value and importance, and never settle for anything less than what will bring you the most joy over time. Love yourself and your future children enough to follow through on this.  

One other little remark Virot made – and I almost forgot – was not to marry anyone whose mother was hard to get along with. Oops!

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis

760-803-2841
HealthyHabitsHypnosis.com

Relationship Advice For Couples

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in healing | Posted on 01-30-2015

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Relationship Advice For Couples

Over the years, I have seen lots of married people in my office come in for all sorts of issues, many of them relationship concerns, and in that time, I have noticed a few things that I think are important to share.

First, I will preface this by saying, these are not hard and steady rules. Even in my practice I have seen exceptions, but these are common trends to consider.

The kiss of death in relationships:

Not sleeping in the same bed for any reason. Not a good sign. Even if the person claims it’s because someone snores, that never seems to go well for long.

Having kids when the relationship is on shaky ground. Bad idea. A child highlights a couple’s relationship weaknesses and turns a crack into a crevice very quickly. Some people think having kids will save their relationship, but in my experience, the opposite happens.

Not seeing each other. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder…” of someone else. I don’t know how military families survive deployment. They often don’t. Not being around your partner very much is never good for a relationship.

Making your whole life revolve around him and/or the kids. Everyone in the household needs and deserves their own interests, and it’s important for Mom to make sure she has her own things going on so she’s not depending on her children and husband for life satisfaction. Making your life all about them tends to make you more needy, and that is never healthy for a relationship’s longevity. Plus, it makes women terribly unhappy in the long run.

Drug, alcohol or sex addiction. Addictions ruin families, destroy your financial future and make enemies out of life partners. If this is an issue in the family, seek help right away.

Exes and step kids. Think long and hard if you are dating someone with a child because no matter how much you love that person or their children, the ex will always be a part of your relationship. That can make a marriage feel a bit crowded. Make an honest assessment to ensure you can handle this before you sign up for “Till death…” It’s not selfish to say it doesn’t work for you.

Things that are not necessarily the kiss of death:

– Cheating. It sounds like an instant end, but I have commonly heard from people that someone cheating was the best thing that happened to their relationship. It forced them to look at the problems in their partnership and work on their relationship. Many couples are able to survive this and thrive after.

Sexual Dysfunction. For either party, these issues can be resolved, and often the process of working together as a couple on these issues makes the couple stronger than before.

Workaholics. Sounds bad and sometimes it is the kiss of death, but if both people are working hard at their own things, they can still have a lovely, happy partnership. Problems tend to arise when one person is a stay at home partner, and the other is always gone.

Again, these are observations, not hard and steady rules. Do keep in mind, people typically come in because something’s not working well. As I have seen these same issues over and over again, I wanted to share what I have learned. Hope this gives you some insight. Feel free to share any advice you might have.

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com
http://www.facebook.com/healthyhabitshypnosis
Author of the book “Feed Your Real Hunger” & “30 day weight loss Jumpstart” Hypnosis CD
For more information and free hypnosis meditations visit www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com