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Hanging Out With Healers I have to share an experience of hanging out with fellow healers that is in hindsight very funny, but at the time, it was an eye-rolling torture session where I prayed my phone would ring so I could pretend I had to leave and get the heck out of there. I signed up for a Meetup...

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The Avoiders—Some Things to Know

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in relationships | Posted on 07-19-2017

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The Avoiders—Some Things to Know

Avoidance and avoidance behavior are terms recognized in psychology, and from my experience with an enormous number of clients, result in anything from minor annoyance to deep resentment. Avoidance seems to show up more often in men than in women, and is probably the number one complaint I hear from women about their husbands. I am quite sure it has ended many marriages.

Avoiders are people who are so afraid of conflict or uncomfortable feelings that they dodge the action or communication necessary to resolve problems. Instead, they find a rock to hide under…anything to escape the person and/or situation, in the extreme and almost delus

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ional hope that the issue will just sort itself out without them. Occasionally this strategy works, which is why they keep doing it. In most cases, however, an avoider just winds up making everyone mad at them.

In my own experience, I have had avoidant clients who “no-show” to appointments because they didn’t want to have to tell me they needed to reschedule. I don’t mind rescheduling as long as I get 24 hours’ notice. What I know I don’t like is sitting in my office for an hour, waiting for a client who is not coming.

  • Avoiders usually create a lot of conflict, along with major problems for their partners, by not doing those unpleasant tasks like filing taxes, cleaning out the garage, or setting boundaries with exes, coworkers, bosses, kids, and family. The worst part of this coping mechanism is that it’s unnecessary and wasteful. I would say, conservatively, that these people expend about ten times as much energy thinking about and trying to avoid something, as they would just dealing with it.
  • Where does this behavior come from?  The roots of avoidance are somewhat different for everyone, but for men, it commonly begins with a sensitive boy being berated by an overbearing mother. For women, it is frequently tied to emotional or physical abuse from either parent.
  • How do you fix this? I’m not going to lie. Avoidance is a tough issue, at the core of which is fear. Treatment is done using fear protocols, and this can take quite some time. I will say, though, that with patience and a real desire to change, healing is possible. If this sounds like a problem of yours, I strongly encourage you to seek help to prevent it from sabotaging your relationships. If you are a man dealing with a female boss, avoidance can actually destroy your career. Do not underestimate the damaging effects of this condition.

If you don’t think your avoidance behavior is “that serious,” consider your relationships, especially romantic ones, past and present. Have your partners complained about your failure to face challenges or tasks head-on? For a healthy, balanced relationship to survive, avoidance behavior must be acknowledged and worked on.

There is some good news! The work you do to heal will pay off in a much more fulfilling and meaningful life, one in which you are a true adult instead of a runaway child.

If you need help with this issue give me a call today, your spouse will call me after your session and thank me-I know because that actually happens all the time!

Looking forward to helping you create lasting change.

Jill Thomas CCHT

Soul Connect Hypnotherapy

760-803-2841

www.soulconnecthypnotherapy.com 

Happy break up season!

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in healing, Uncategorized | Posted on 01-06-2017

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‘Tis the Season…to Break Up!
I swear I’m not making this up! The period of January 2nd through February 12th is infamously known as “break-up season,” and if you don’t believe me, just ask any divorce attorney. Interestingly, early-year splits are not limited to the romance department, but apply to a variety of areas—job changes, business partner dissolutions, or “turning over a new leaf” in your lifestyle/health goals (like eating differently to lose weight, for instance).In the case of romantic  break-ups, people generally wait until after the holidays to make this type of change since, let’s face it, no one wants to be alone or dealing with major upheavals during this time of year. However, with Valentine’s Day looming, it makes sense to cut off the relationship before it arrives, thus avoiding having to buy an expensive gift for someone with whom you see no future. Regarding the job situation, seeds of dissatisfaction are often planted during the January to mid-February timeframe, even if it takes a while to find another job and actually leave.

What is so different about these particular six weeks?

I explained the relationship rationale already, but in other areas, there are a number of factors contributing to beginning-of-the-year restlessness. Firstly, the longer periods of darkness lead to mild depression for some people, causing more introspection and reflection. We may become more acutely aware of certain life issues and feelings, and think to ourselves, “I’m not happy. Why is that?”

Another aspect of the post-New Year’s period is that many of us—even with the bustle of the holidays—have had some time off from work and the chance to reconnect with family. If you’ve been over-extending yourself on the job, you might painfully sense what you’ve been missing by working so much. Again, this can cause you to question your life’s direction and whether you want to continue on your current course. Often the answer is “no,” and hence the desire for change.

Even though “’Tis the season,” major change is still not easy, even if you’re moving away from something that is harmful or limiting you. This is especially true in the case of leaving a bad relationship in hopes of finding a better match. After leaving what is old, familiar, and yet unsatisfying, you may be on your own for quite some time before a new relationship presents itself. Or you may be walking away from a job that you hated to begin a new one someplace else. What if this one is even worse? It feels risky, like jumping off an edge into the unknown.

At this point, it helps to remember that part of any great success story is what preceded the final victory…the self-centered boyfriend or girlfriend you had to walk away from, the demeaning treatment you got at your old job, the dozens of rejections before your business plan finally got backing. It takes courage, and lots of it, along with a degree of tolerance for the unfamiliar, to abandon what you’re accustomed to and break new ground. But unless you push aside the stuff in your life that isn’t working, it takes up the parking spot where your new life could be.

Having said all that don’t be afraid to call a lawyer for advice if your breakup involves anything legal.  I cannot tell you how many ugly stories of being taken advantage of that I have heard in my office that started  with the person saying “I was trying to be nice so I didn’t call a lawyer and it cost me a fortune.”

Now don’t read this and think that I’m telling you to dump your boyfriend, quit your job, or fire your business partner. These are your decisions, obviously, but don’t be terribly surprised if you find yourself doing some bigger-picture life evaluation right after the holidays. I encourage you to entertain those thoughts just a little, because who knows—they may be the seeds of inspiration leading to your next huge win!

 

Jill Thomas, Board Certified Hypnotherapist, weight-loss consultant, & author, has been a health and wellness professional for over 15 years, specializing in stress / anxiety reduction and attainment of holistic wellbeing.

Healthy Habits Hypnosis
187 Calle Magdalena #209
Encinitas, CA 92024
(760) 803-2841

www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com

Six Surprising Observations about Men, Women & Relationships

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 07-21-2016

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observationsAs some of you know, I’ve been a certified, practicing hypnotherapist for about ten years now. In that span of time—after talking to hundreds of clients about issues in their personal relationships—I feel a bit more qualified than most to share some general observations about human behavior in this area. Many of these common threads among my clients have surprised me, and maybe you, too. Or not. Anyway, here they are:

1. DIVORCE – Among couples who have divorced, a great number of men expressed regret. Quite a few times, I’ve heard things like, “My next marriage was so much worse than my first one!” “I should have worked harder on that first marriage,” or “The grass is definitely not always greener.”

By contrast, a lot of divorced women have said they wished they had gotten divorced much sooner than they did, and from them I hear things such as, “I can’t believe I waited so long for the freedom and fun I am having now!” and “We should have broken up a long time ago.”

As far as the children of divorced couples, nobody is happy about their parents getting divorced. However, I hear far more adults express shock and perplexity about why their parents “who clearly hate each other” are still together, than tell me they wish their parents hadn’t gotten a divorce. This last comment is actually quite rare.

observations22. CHEATING – From what my clients have confided, it appears that women cheat just as much as men, but are better at covering their tracks. The men almost always get caught, whereas the women seem to get away with it more often.

I can’t say why, but the ugliest cheating stories I’ve ever heard have come from exceptionally attractive women. Many former models have told me awful stories of men cheating “all over town” with their friends, sisters, and even prostitutes. At the same time, many plain-looking women tell me they are in happy relationships with devoted partners.

Even though we have been programmed to think that women who look better, keep their weight down, and get “enhancement” surgeries have happier lives, this is apparently not the case. Perhaps what women can take from this is that instead of worrying so much about those few extra pounds, focus more on choosing a better match.

3. MONEY – It is much more common – about four times as often, actually – that people tell me they’re staying in an unhappy relationship for money, as opposed to staying for the sake of the children. I hear both of these reasons fairly often, though.

4. BLAMING – Sadly, men come in complaining about having the same exact relationship issues with the last five women they’ve been with, and yet they still place the blame on the ex-partner: “There just aren’t any women out there who don’t have this problem!” They fail to realize that the one common factor in all those failed relationships is—them. By contrast, a woman is more likely to come in after several relationship failures and say, “It’s all my problem! Can you help fix me so I don’t choose this same kind of guy again?” This attitude shows more self-responsibility, but it’s likely that both men and women who repeatedly have unsuccessful relationships need to do some family-of-origin (issues with mom and dad) healing work.

5. ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL PRACTICES – I had always thought people with alternative sexual lifestyles – like swingers, polyamorists, or sex club participants – must have a lot of intense relationship problems that cause this behavior or result from it.  Some do, I am sure, but after working with many of these people over the years, they seem to have the same frequency of relationship problems as everyone else, and actually tend to be more comfortable talking about the conflicts. In fact, from what I’ve observed, besides their sex lives, they are basically pretty ordinary people with normal occupations and the same issues as everyone else, just brought up in a sometimes different context.

With the exception of military personnel, I almost never hear a man admit to hiring a prostitute. When I have, it’s usually been described as an interaction similar to buying a hamburger at Wendy’s—a business exchange only. Also, the women with the men who’d hired prostitutes expressed more upset about this than the women whose partners had had an affair with a coworker. I found this odd, because to me, the coworker affair seems like a worse violation.

observations36. WHAT WE WANT – Men universally express a desire for more sex in their relationships. In spite of the legions of women (not that I am complaining about the business!) who want me to help them lose weight so that their husbands will find them more attractive, I almost never hear a guy say he wishes his partner would slim down.

Women tell me over and over again that they want their men to put more effort into planning the time they spend together. A woman wants her date to say, “I’m picking you up at 7 – wear something dressy,” rather than, “Where do you want to go tonight?”

Okay…hopefully, now you’re ready and armed with some new information to tackle the relationship game. Because let’s face it, any advantage in this area is more than welcome!

 

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com

The Heartbreakingly Easy Problem to Solve

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 07-07-2016

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easy_problem_to_solveOne of the most difficult parts of being a practitioner is seeing a client fail. When I say “fail,” I’m not talking about the client not reaching their goal, as in losing the amount of weight they wanted to lose, or achieve the result they wanted. I don’t consider these situations as failures, but rather as part of learning and sometimes adjusting the approach used.

Failure to me is when a client cannot or will not see the value of investing the time, expense, and work it takes to create lasting healing for themselves. They apparently don’t understand that they are worth the effort it takes to heal, whether to change their weight/body size or shed destructive habits and attitudes. Sadly, this happens all the time.

One example was when Trish, a prospective client, contacted me because of a challenging yet totally solvable problem. She was having trouble staying connected in a long-distance relationship, and also suffered extreme separation anxiety. Whenever her boyfriend would leave, an intense sadness would come over her, along with the fear that she would never see him again. This made her very clingy with him when he had to go somewhere, and she would insist they schedule their next date right then and there to allay her anxiety. Basically, Trish said she was a “wreck” whenever her boyfriend went away.

Knowing how difficult this issue can be, and how destructively those feelings can affect anyone’s quality of life, I was happy that Trish contacted me, because I knew I could help her. Her problem is actually one of the easier issues to resolve using the tool of hypnosis, and I knew Trish would feel a lot better even after just one session.

After scheduling an appointment with Trish, my mind was already busy planning out her protocol, anticipating some of the conversation, and feeling happy knowing she would see improvement very quickly. I could see the light at the end of her tunnel of pain, and it wasn’t an idiot holding a match!

Unfortunately, Trish never made it in for help. At her appointment time, she called me complaining that I didn’t “warn her” about San Diego traffic (doesn’t everyone who drives know there may be traffic?), that she would arrive too late at this point, and that all of this was my fault. She then added that she thought I charged too much, my intake forms were too long, and a couple of other silly, untrue “reasons” why she wouldn’t/couldn’t come. In spite of all her angry justification, I knew that probably because of the same issues that caused her trouble in the first place, Trish was backing away from her own healing. I was sure she did this in many areas of her life—blaming others for her problems, complaining about the cost of things, and probably not taking any help or advice offered that could really help her. Maybe she and I weren’t a match for treatment, but our conversation told me that on some level, she wasn’t ready. Trish cancelled her appointment and never called again.

easy_problem_to_solve2It broke my heart, as it always does when this type of thing happens in my practice, that Trish was one more person in the world suffering needlessly and at her own hands. Her pain doubtlessly affected those around her, too…her friends, coworkers, the family watching her suffer, and maybe even a person she cut off on the freeway because her anger towards her boyfriend turned into road rage. Her boyfriend was likely the most affected, and whether or not they were a good match for each other, it was almost a guarantee that their relationship was already, or certainly would be, sorely tested by her issues.

I’ve talked with many practitioners about people flaking out on their own healing, and not surprisingly, it’s a very common drawback in the therapy field. Patients either stop showing up for the appointments they make for themselves, or stop treatment too early when there is still a lot more work to do. Sometimes they say they can’t afford treatment, which is always a ready excuse. My experience over the years, however, is that when people are ready to heal, they find a way to make it happen no matter what, even if that means sacrificing some material comfort for a short time, finding child care, or rearranging their schedule so they can keep their appointments. For those who are not ready, any excuse to cancel is used, and if none is available, the inner saboteur creates one.

Our egos hate change, and will fight like heck to keep the status quo, even if it’s a lousy one. Change – even beneficial change – can be hard because it requires us to grow, shift, and create different habits around the new way of being. Even if something isn’t good, such as being in a bad relationship, there is a certain degree of comfort in it because it’s familiar.

I have to face this with clients all the time and it stings, not so much because of loss of business – although I love what I do and being busy – but because I know that society at large is made better when someone gets healed. The reverse is also unfortunately true.

Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t let money, your or your kids’ schedules, “life,” or whatever obstacle you run across, keep you from the quality of living you deserve. Life goes on whether you are healthy and whole or not, so you may as well get healed! If you consider what you spend your money on, why wouldn’t you pay to get help for the most important person in you and your loved ones’ world—you?

There are few things in this world that can’t be made better through creative solutions. Your physical, emotional, and spiritual health are the most important things to attend to, for your own benefit and that of this world we all share. Remember that no matter how things may “seem” at any given moment, you are loved, special, and extremely important! There is something on this planet that you, and onlyyou, can do. Value yourself enough to heal the wounds that block you from sharing your unique contribution.

 

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com

Love & Marriage Advice from an Expert

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 02-09-2016

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loveadvice_04Our family moved from Arkansas to California when I was young teenager. Soon after we arrived, my parents became close friends with an Indian couple in their 60’s named Virot and Irmala, whose entire family was still in India. Virot and Irmala quickly became like family to me, and I thought of them as my godparents. They were kind and loving, and although they spoke with heavy accents and were more than a little odd, I loved them for it!

When I was 16, and visiting godfather Virot at his Indian goods store one day, he told me that because of my age, it was time to have a serious talk. I knew he wasn’t going to talk to me about sex, and figuring any other topic would be fine, I settled in for a very surprising conversation.

Virot started by explaining that in his large, extended family, it was his role to work on arranging marriages for his relatives. He then looked me in the eye and said, “Jill, it’s time for you to start thinking about marriage.” WHAT?!  I was quick to reply, “Virot, I am 16! That’s not going to happen for a long time, so no matching me up with your family in India. Okay?” Virot replied, “No, of course not now, and not with my family, but you must start thinking about this because the decisions you make now will influence the choices you have in the future.” Alright…he had my attention. What followed was some amazing marriage and life advice from someone, strangely enough, whose own marriage to a complete stranger had been arranged, but from what I had seen, seemed to be a very happy union.

“Jill,” he said pointedly, “the most important thing is that you MUST have your own money. You must not rely on a man to pay your bills. Money is freedom, giving you the choice to stay or to leave if it’s not a good situation. So, you need to think about going to college.” I found it interesting that he pushed me twice as hard as my own parents to go to college.

“I don’t care what your American churches say about marriage,” he went on. “If it takes a lawyer to break it, then it’s a contract and not a covenant. Make sure you know the terms of that contract very well by getting to know the man for a long time before you get married. Know what kind of person he is, what kind of family he comes from, and most of all, how you will be treated in the marriage, before you sign that contract in a church or a courthouse.” 

Virot continued, “If you plan on having children, it is especially important that you marry someone of exceptional character, since he will be half of the legacy you leave through the generations coming from your bloodline.” The blood thing seemed to be enormously significant to him, although I was never sure why. I did get his point, though, about choosing the best possible father for my future children.  

“Find someone with a background much like your own. People fight about their differences, not what they have in common, so it’s essential you find someone of a similar religion, culture, and political opinion. And marry someone as smart as you or even smarter, so he will challenge you to be better.”  

“It is vital,” he ended, “to put yourself first! Don’t marry someone whom society or your parents think would be the best choice.  Marry someone you think will be the greatest match for you forever…not just someone nice-looking or rich. Take your time to find this person, and never, ever settle. If he doesn’t seem like the very best match, stop seeing him and move on.  It’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong person.”

loveadvice_03I was aware that Virot didn’t talk about love. That wasn’t his way, as he was much more practical. He wanted me to marry the very best – not just someone I LOVED, but also someone who was good for me.  

“Oh,” he added. “Do not forget, also, before you agree to marry anyone, bring him over for me to approve. I absolutely insist on that.”

I did follow his advice and took my time, so much so that Virot was gone from this world before he could size up my choice in person. However, I take comfort in the fact that he did meet my husband when we were just friends, before we fell in love, and I’m certain he would have approved.

This Valentine’s Day, my wish for all you men and women is long-term happiness in love. As Virot said, find your best possible match! Lust is great, and love is even better, but neither guarantees a lasting partnership. Take your time, don’t forget your personal value and importance, and never settle for anything less than what will bring you the most joy over time. Love yourself and your future children enough to follow through on this.  

One other little remark Virot made – and I almost forgot – was not to marry anyone whose mother was hard to get along with. Oops!

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis

760-803-2841
HealthyHabitsHypnosis.com

What you need to know about break-ups

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 10-19-2015

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What you need to know about break-ups

One of the more common calls I receive is, “My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 4 months ago, and now he’s calling me again. I am so confused. Can you help me, I can’t figure out why he is calling now?” Very often, this communication occurs 4 months to the day at the earliest and no later than 6 months. On the flip side, I get a similar call from men about how they ended a relationship 4 months ago pretty easily and now are overcome with sad feelings and often regret they let someone good get away.

I want to clear this up for both men and women because I’ve discovered its not common knowledge that men and women process breakups differently, and those differences make things much harder for both parties.

Lets start with the breakup itself:

When the man initiates a break up, it’s often a practical, spur of the moment decision made to solve a problem. As in, “I love her, but I’m not IN love with her,” or “I just don’t think it will work” with no obvious reason why. “She’s just too needy” is another common reason. Typically emotions are not a part of the decision because they are being suppressed. Often with guys I hear, “I just feel numb.” I also hear them express how proud they are of themselves for making such a good decision. When I hear it expressed with little or no emotion, I know they are suppressing their feelings.

When the woman initiates a break up, it is usually very different. Women typically back out of a relationship rather than end it. A woman will begin to emotionally detach from a relationship long before she makes the call. She does her grieving around the relationship ending before it does, and she starts to find herself again. She does things she wants, mentally decides which boxes she is going to put this man’s stuff in and thinks about things she can do with the free time she will have when he is gone. The actual breakup is just an unpleasant task that needs to get done because in her mind, she’s already gone.

Men often mistake a woman withdrawing and wanting to do her own thing as a sign the relationship is actually getting stronger. In their minds, she is becoming less needy and seemingly more confident. This is why so often men are stunned when this same woman turns around and breaks up with them. I typically hear some version of the following, “I thought things were going so well. She was starting school and a new job. Overall, she seemed happier than before. I just didn’t realize that’s because she was about to leave me.”

Men should know that a woman who has complained in the past that she wasn’t getting her needs met is suddenly taking dance lessons, spending more time at the gym and saying she might not be free for the usual Saturday night date this could be a sign she is preparing for a breakup.

After the breakup:

For women, no matter who initiated the breakup, there will likely be a period of time where she will be really upset and stay at home, eating whipped cream right out of the can and pounding chocolate while watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and crying.

Not so for the guys. There might be a brief expression of grief, and then they go right into suppression mode without realizing it and turn off their emotions. This is why woman often hear stories from their mutual friends about how he’s out partying days after the breakup. Meanwhile, she is still stuck in the upset phase all the while thinking, “How can he do that? Did I mean nothing to him?” No, that is not the case. He is not processing his emotions right now, he’s distracting himself.

At the 4 to 6 month mark

The woman have had their cry, moved his stuff out of their home, used his favorite towel to clean the toilet, set fire to the old pictures and in some cases, started dating again. The break up wound has not completely healed but at least has scabbed over a bit.

Not so much with the guys. This is right about the time those old coping mechanisms of distraction stop working, and they start feeling bad, really bad about what happened (the way the woman felt from day one). This is when they start thinking about giving the ex a call to “see how you are doing,” sending a text that says, ”SUP” or creating some ridiculous obviously made up excuse for contact like, “I can’t find my favorite towel. Have you seen it?”

The confusing communication brings up so many upsetting emotions for women. They are feeling better, and the email/text brings all the earlier upset back to life only to start thinking about the ex again. Unfortunately, in some cases ,memory suffers from omission, and even ifthe woman had initiated the break up, they tend to forget all the reasons why. They forget or excuse the cheating, forget the disrespectful behavior and mean things he did, and forget how he made them feel bad about themselves so often while they were dating. Instead, they focus on that spark. Those lusty feelings that are always present at the beginning of a relationship that may have clouded judgment and made a person overlook flaws in the past.

To make matters worse, she doesn’t even know why he’s contacting her again, and curiosity takes hold. If there was another woman, she might wonder why it didn’t work out. She might wonder if he wants to get back together, or if he has something really romantic to say, none of which she would want to miss by not calling him back.

She should always assume he’s thinking he might want to get back together when he reaches out and before she makes ANY response she needs to decide how she feels about that first. If she wouldn’t be open to rekindling the romance she needs to consider not responding at all. Remember, the wound has not healed yet. It’s still a bit sore, and that scab can easily break and start bleeding again.

Now, I’m not going to say that there is no hope for that relationship once it hits that 4 month mark. Plenty of amazing relationships moved to the next level after a person had a few months to really think about how much they really loved someone, like Princess Kate and Prince William. However, those are the exceptions. Usually a rekindling results in the same painful end a few months later. A person should think long and hard before making that initial call or responding to an inquiry. After doing all that work to heal you wouldn’t want to start all over again and miss a more amazing relationship with someone even better that is just around the corner.

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com
http://www.facebook.com/healthyhabitshypnosis  ***Oh please, oh please like me on facebook!
Author of the book “Feed Your Real Hunger” & “30 day weight loss Jumpstart” Hypnosis CD
For more information and free hypnosis meditations visit www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com

Love and beauty

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 04-22-2015

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Love and beauty

One day I was sitting in my office waiting for my next client who was coming in for help with confidence and dating issues. I was stunned when the most physically beautiful man I had ever seen came walking in claiming to be my next client. I thought, “Shoot, I must have double booked. This guy cannot be having dating problems.”

I pretended to be surprised when he said his occupation was model and actor. I asked him about his challenge, and he said, “Just like I wrote on my paperwork, I am having trouble finding the right person.”

I asked, “Why do you think that is? Because I assume you get hit on all the time.”

“Well, being gay and working in my industry, I do get hit on all the time, but the men I meet seem to only be interested in having a fling. Which is ok sometimes, but what I really want is a relationship with marriage and kids and all that. I think there may be something wrong with me that I can’t find what I want.”

Twenty minutes earlier my last client, who is maybe 15 pounds overweight, was complaining about the same thing, only she assumed it was because she wasn’t pretty enough and needed to lose weight. This guy who looked like a Greek god (literally—I am pretty sure he was Greek) is having the same issues, only he assumed it’s him and not his looks because if a person would need to look prettier than him to find true love, then there is no hope for anyone.

In talking with him, it turns out he did have some issues around being open to finding true love. We worked on those in session, but I was struck with the bigger picture. So many people think it’s about looks, and it’s not. If that were true, this person, as well as all the other pretty people in the world, would never be single. Granted, they may have more options than the rest of us, but how may celebrity marriages last longer than 5 years? Almost none and these people are not only very pretty, but often very rich—the other thing most of my male clients seem to think they need to be to find true love.

Ladies, what the single men in my chair say over and over again is that they want women who are confident, sure of themselves, and have their own things going on, rather than someone who is needy and clingy. I often hear they want women who are healthy and work out too, but that is because they want someone with an active lifestyle like them. It really isn’t all that common for me to hear a guy say he wants a super thin woman who wears a lot of makeup and has had a boob job, though I won’t lie that does happen.

Guys, what I hear from women is that they want someone who is willing to invest the time to get to know them rather than expecting sex on the first date. They want someone who likes to do things, has ambition, and is kind. They do not necessarily want a guy who is rich, tall, or especially handsome. Occasionally women will say they want a guy who works out, but not because of the body, though yes that’s sometimes part of it, but because they too want someone with a healthy active lifestyle like them.

Universally I hear from men and women a desire to find someone who LOVES them and treats them with respect. Who doesn’t want that?!

If you are holding onto the idea that something you are or aren’t is a reason why you can’t find love, remember being happy and confident in who you are is far more attractive to both sexes than being thin and rich but needy and unhappy.

Love yourself enough to work on letting go of these outdated, limiting concepts and instead work on being confident and open to give and receive love.

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com
http://www.facebook.com/healthyhabitshypnosis
Author of the book “Feed Your Real Hunger” & “30 day weight loss Jumpstart” Hypnosis CD
For more information and free hypnosis meditations visit www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com

Relationship Advice For Couples

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in healing | Posted on 01-30-2015

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Relationship Advice For Couples

Over the years, I have seen lots of married people in my office come in for all sorts of issues, many of them relationship concerns, and in that time, I have noticed a few things that I think are important to share.

First, I will preface this by saying, these are not hard and steady rules. Even in my practice I have seen exceptions, but these are common trends to consider.

The kiss of death in relationships:

Not sleeping in the same bed for any reason. Not a good sign. Even if the person claims it’s because someone snores, that never seems to go well for long.

Having kids when the relationship is on shaky ground. Bad idea. A child highlights a couple’s relationship weaknesses and turns a crack into a crevice very quickly. Some people think having kids will save their relationship, but in my experience, the opposite happens.

Not seeing each other. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder…” of someone else. I don’t know how military families survive deployment. They often don’t. Not being around your partner very much is never good for a relationship.

Making your whole life revolve around him and/or the kids. Everyone in the household needs and deserves their own interests, and it’s important for Mom to make sure she has her own things going on so she’s not depending on her children and husband for life satisfaction. Making your life all about them tends to make you more needy, and that is never healthy for a relationship’s longevity. Plus, it makes women terribly unhappy in the long run.

Drug, alcohol or sex addiction. Addictions ruin families, destroy your financial future and make enemies out of life partners. If this is an issue in the family, seek help right away.

Exes and step kids. Think long and hard if you are dating someone with a child because no matter how much you love that person or their children, the ex will always be a part of your relationship. That can make a marriage feel a bit crowded. Make an honest assessment to ensure you can handle this before you sign up for “Till death…” It’s not selfish to say it doesn’t work for you.

Things that are not necessarily the kiss of death:

– Cheating. It sounds like an instant end, but I have commonly heard from people that someone cheating was the best thing that happened to their relationship. It forced them to look at the problems in their partnership and work on their relationship. Many couples are able to survive this and thrive after.

Sexual Dysfunction. For either party, these issues can be resolved, and often the process of working together as a couple on these issues makes the couple stronger than before.

Workaholics. Sounds bad and sometimes it is the kiss of death, but if both people are working hard at their own things, they can still have a lovely, happy partnership. Problems tend to arise when one person is a stay at home partner, and the other is always gone.

Again, these are observations, not hard and steady rules. Do keep in mind, people typically come in because something’s not working well. As I have seen these same issues over and over again, I wanted to share what I have learned. Hope this gives you some insight. Feel free to share any advice you might have.

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com
http://www.facebook.com/healthyhabitshypnosis
Author of the book “Feed Your Real Hunger” & “30 day weight loss Jumpstart” Hypnosis CD
For more information and free hypnosis meditations visit www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com

“I accidentally made myself impotent, and I need your help.”

Posted by healthyhabi | Posted in healing | Posted on 10-16-2014

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“I accidentally made myself impotent, and I need your help.”

One of my first paid hypnosis clients was someone moving here from another state and looking to continue the work he had started with another hypnotherapist. Since at the time most of my clients were coming to me for common fears and phobias this man’s statement really intrigued me.

“I accidentally made myself impotent, and I need your help.” This was a deeply religious man, and in his religion, it was considered infidelity to even think about a woman who was not his wife in a sexual way. Unfortunately, in his occupation as a commercial photographer, he would often take pictures of women wearing little to no clothing. Even though he was married, these women would flirt with him making it nearly impossible NOT to think of them in a sexual way. Since he didn’t want to spend eternity in a very hot place (in his mind), he had created an interesting yet equally destructive way of dealing with this problem. He put on weight, a lot of weight at the time I was speaking with him. He was almost 400 pounds and had not been able to have sex for some time.

None of this was done on a conscious level. So for a long time he couldn’t figure out what had caused the problem. One of his friends had suggested hypnotherapy, and under hypnosis it was revealed that he was creating his health problem as a way of saving both his marriage and his soul.

I asked him how his prior hypnotherapist had help him discover the problem and he said “Well, after a few sessions, I came in one day, she hypnotized me and just asked, ‘What am I getting out of this?’ Saving my marriage was the first thing that came to mind. It seemed ridiculous at the time because in reality it’s actually making my marriage worse but in a different way.” He had actually created a real medical physical problem as a way to solve an emotional one.

That is often how our unconscious mind works; it looks at the bigger problem and tries to solve it, not noticing that it created another problem as a result of that unconscious decision. It’s a bit like a dark fairy tale where a person gets a wish granted. They wish for money, gain a lot of money but only because someone close to them died.

While I was working with him under hypnosis, this man was able to make a different decision about how he would solve this problem, one that would allow him to lose the weight and be healthy. In time, he was able to fix some hormone imbalances which were a part of his problem, lose the weight and return to healthy sexual function, as well as maintain a healthy, happy marriage without giving up a career he loved. All of this started when he stopped looking at the symptoms of the problem (weight gain, impotence) and looked at the underlying problem itself. So often we only focus on the physical, and we miss the underlying emotional benefit we receive by creating and maintaining this problem.

If you have an issue you can’t seem to get rid of, ask yourself, “How am I benefiting from this problem? What am I getting out of this?” Your first reaction will likely be an angry, “Nothing! This is all bad,” but try to go deeper, play devil’s advocate and look at things like, “Am I getting much needed attention because I have this problem? Am I getting to avoid something I don’t want to deal with because of this problem?” Having the answer may not automatically solve it, but you will be much closer to the solution than you were before. Love yourself enough to take a deeper look at the “why’s” of your problems rather than just the “what” of your issues and don’t be afraid to seek help. It may be closer than you think.

Jill Thomas CCHT
Healthy Habits Hypnosis
760-803-2841
www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com
http://www.facebook.com/mindbodyhealth
Author of the book “Feed Your Real Hunger” & “30 day weight loss Jumpstart” Hypnosis CD
For more information and free hypnosis meditations visit www.healthyhabitshypnosis.com